Becoming Aware of One's Ignorance

I’m really quite ugly, as this, the most flattering photograph ever taken of someone in the middle of speaking and blinking and being sucked facially into a black hole or some other temporal vortex, will prove. I’m not at all physically attractive, and I’ve come to accept this as a thing I can’t change, and perhaps wouldn’t if I could.

Also, I’m a not-so-good writer. I’ve done plenty of readings, many of them back when I drank. Here’s one that was actually recorded of me after I sobered up, and without my glasses. It’s at the 2007 Urban Epiphany, which I believe is still held every year here in Buffalo. Each reader got like 5-10 minutes, if I remember correctly, but I was cut off after 4 very short poems (I read some socio-political poetry, or poultry (chicken-shit scribblings)). Someone, I have no idea who, posted my segment as an MP3 online. Here it is.

I started off with a good, rather ambivalent poem, “Altruistic Narcissism” (listen to Mel Bosworth read it here). Everyone laughed, though I always thought of the poem as sad. Anyway, it gave me a boost of confidence, because it is kind of a funny poem, so I really had the crowd there—for a moment. Then, the next poem I read was “Wal*Mart Families for Friendly Fire” (read it here, along with some other poultry), and they didn’t seem to like that. The crowd’s liveliness turned immediately to quiet animosity.

I remember the organizer/host/MC, Celia White, waving at me from the back of the room to stop after the fourth poem, which I kind of figured would eventually happen after the Wal*Mart piece didn’t go over so well. I'm not sure if this was an ideological clash, or just something she deemed inappropriate at a poetry event. Either way, I got the hint. So I said, “Time’s up,” and sat back down, feeling a little embarrassed.

I’d been sort of shunned before, but never while reading. People clapped, I feel, mostly because I wasn’t going to read anymore—or just to be polite. I have no idea who posted an MP3 of this on the internet, because it seems separate from the photo gallery of all the readers from that day. Anyway, thank you, whoever you are.

I wasn’t really even writing fiction then, as my focus was mostly politics. Not that politics are absent in fiction, but I think fiction, for me, offered a more subtle outlet for expressing political ideology while, if at all possible, contradicting that same perspective. I’ve since gotten away from feeling it necessary to incorporate socio-political convictions into a text, when it will obviously emerge somehow unconsciously, despite my intentions.

Does that mean authorial intentions are unintentional? How ignorant am I compared to Kant, Hegel, Marx, Adorno, Propp, Parker, Berube, Freud, Lacan, Derrida, Foucault, etc? Quite, though they can all be just as silly as I am.

I’ve still got a lot to learn. I once heard a scientist on television say, “You’ve got to know an awful lot to be ignorant.”

16 comments:

xTx said...

i think you look just fine.

Ethel Rohan said...

We all grapple, Eric. I think you're being way too harsh. And I'm really starting to like beards :-) Don't set limits on yourself EVER. I've finally gotten that.

Mel Bosworth said...

you're awesome,eric, and that picture is awesome. ethel's right- don't be so hard on yourself.

...and great reading. It takes huge balls to get up and read in front of people.

xTx said...

oh yeah, i was gonna say that, about the reading in front of people thing. You are brave to do that. I mean, Mel only reads to his camera and that's not the same thing. Mel is a chicken. Just kidding, Mel. No, really, I know that whenever I have to do my first reading (virgin!) I will get as drunk as I can without losing my ability to speak.

Plus, I'm sure i'll have to say 'cum' or 'cock' or 'spread my buttcheeks' during the reading and i'll probably be like, to the audience, 'Really?! I wrote this? So ashamed..." and then I'll run of the stage with the back of my fist in my mouth.

Eric Beeny said...

Big thanks, all...

Ethel, you're right. And beards are awesome, as Mel can attest to...

Mel, you're right that Ethel's right. And it certainly does take balls, even bigger ones when not drinking...

xTx, Mel is the awesomest, most bravest chicken. You have to do a reading. They're awful, but fun. It's really weird hearing your voice read things you thought in your head while other people are listening. I loved hearing your voice on "...Black Magician." You should do readings. Just don't get too drunk...

xTx said...

Thanks for the encouragement, Eric.I will be careful to get 'just drunk enough'.

p.s. I would like to touch mel's beard with my face.

Eric Beeny said...

Me, too. Mel's beard combs my beard with its hair, and I don't care who knows it...

xTx said...

beard on beard love! i would like to watch please.

Eric Beeny said...

Awww, yeah...

Mel Bosworth said...

my beard met eric's beard at a square dance.

xTx said...

i will grow out my beard and attend square dances and then it will do si do with both of your beards until it gets too sweaty and has to go outside for some air and whomevers beard follows please bring me something to drink, okay?

Eric Beeny said...

Is a water okay? It's important to stay hydrated. Then all our beards will get dizzy spinning in circles, getting tangled up like vines in each others' beards and our beards will stretch into our heads and take root in our brains and grow back out as eyelashes and protect our eyes from the sun...

xTx said...

and that would just be a freakshow, so yes, water is fine. we slap our palms together in a friendly gesture of agreement

audri sousa said...

eric you are handsome and your poultry is enough to make me consider going carnivorous again. and everyone is right that readings require enormous badassity. and i want in on all this beard touching.

Eric Beeny said...

Freakshow, yes. Muhahaha... We'll slap five like it's Palm Sunday...

Thanks, Audri. I'm big happy you like my poultry. Greg Gerke recently asked me to be a reader at the upcoming Buffalo Small Press Fair, so that should be awesome and really, really scary.

My beard is tugging my face toward California...

xTx said...

my beard awaits!