I’m almost 30. This doesn’t sound old to most people maybe, but to me it feels very old. Life moves so fast. It feels like I should've accomplished more by now. I don’t think I remember being a child, what it felt like. If I sit here and concentrate, nothing happens. I’m not sure where all those adolescent years and my early 20's went. Things like that just disappear. I know what I did during some of those years, but for the most part they’re a blur. I remember some things.
I remember growing up in the projects. I remember moving into a house in an ‘okay’ neighborhood, which ‘got worse’ as I got older. I remember doing drugs. I remember ‘doing’ lots of drugs more than what it felt like to be ‘on’ lots of drugs. I remember being an alcoholic. I remember my daughter being born. I worked overnights for a long time. I had a nervous breakdown. I remember not understanding anything for a long time. I remember that not changing.
I start classes at the end of this month. This will be my last semester for a BA in English. My cumulative GPA is 3.9. So what. I'm an idiot. I have no idea what I'm going to do after graduation. I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. I'm not resourceful in that way. I have no ambition, no goals, nothing I want to do that I think would make me 'happy'. I don’t want to participate in the world humans have constructed around themselves, the silly things we convince ourselves of, what we think matters.
I want to do something creative, something I feel proud of that others might also feel good about. I don't want to waste my life going to work, doing something I’m not happy doing, something that will make me miserable. I’ve done that. I want to be 'happy'. I want my daughter to see me being happy. Almost half my life is over, and I still don’t know what I’m going to do with the other half. What it means to be alive, what it feels like to be alive, makes less sense the older I get.
Life moves so fast. I think that’s okay maybe, if I don’t think about it. I thought of writing something ‘profound’, like: “Life is something that only makes sense if you don’t think about it.” This means it will maybe never make sense to me.
P.S. - A chapter from The Immortals Act Their Age called "The Shell of Reflection" was published yesterday in Sheldon Lee Compton's new journal, A-Minor Magazine (Big Thanks again, Sheldon...). It's a sister chapter to "Model Airplanes," which appeared earlier this year in Emprise Review.