Let's All Have a Sleepover and Put Things Down Each Other's Pants in the Middle of the Night

It would be fun to have a sleepover. I haven’t had a sleepover in maybe more than five years. That's not true. What is true is I’m afraid of travel. I like sleeping. I’m happy. I’m nothing.

I think it would be funny to write a story using derivations of just one simile, comparing everything to fish or the moon or a unicycle or a vasectomy. Just, the whole story would be someone existing and thinking and relating every experience to that one simile. I want to write a story like that.

Has that happened yet? Probably. People write stories all the time about things utilizing various techniques to achieve particular aesthetic and emotional effects. Still, I think it would be funny. I’d write it under a pseudonym. With a pseudonym, I maybe wouldn’t feel so lonely when I masturbate.

I can’t remember the last time I ignored something. If I did ignore something, I’m ignoring that I ignored it. That’s so 'meta'. Lots of people go places and fall asleep. Then they get up for work in the morning, go to work and show each other their vasectomies.

Stop me on the street and ask my name. Please—I’m begging you. I have a name. My name is 'Ask me something else'. Relate all my answers to your favorite 'vasectomy' analogy.

I’m alive—that’s so 'meta'. You’re alive, too, so I’m the 'meta' version of your life. I’m the one who’s alone. Stop copying me.

We all have our own particular nostalgias, which doesn’t mean anything. There’s nothing unique about the fact that we all have our own particular nostalgias. You will always be what you remember.

So many things we regret doing to other people that other people don’t even remember. We try to apologize, but other people say, "For what?" Other people will always be what they forget about us.

I think I’d be more popular if everyone liked me. The more popular you are, the more people are already inclined to like you. People are so boring and unoriginal. (How many people have already said that about people?)

People don’t like me. Real original, people. No one likes me. Why should anyone else? I’m sometimes happy I’m not popular. A lot, I look at people out in the world having fun with each other and think, 'Assholes'.

Has no one polled how many Christians have purchased and are playing the new Mortal Kombat? Video games rated 'mature' often seem geared toward the complete opposite demographic.

Earlier I pumped the soap dispenser in the supermarket bathroom and it came all over my hand. I wish I’d filmed it. It was pretty intense, the way the thick white foam burst all over my palm, dripped between my fingers—some got on my pants. It was probably the most sanitary public orgasm I’ve ever caused.

Don’t touch me.